You’re sitting at your desk, you know it’s time to go. You’ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You’re tired… you’re just so very tired. You’re parents pissed you off, like school wasn’t bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or just whatever you choose to use because you’re that desperate to leave. You’re ready. You think of it as some game… the first one dead is the first one who wins. No ones home, it’s the perfect time. You’re ready. If you don’t do it now, you’re just gonna look down on yourself even more, forever. You’re going to hate yourself even more. No one knows, no one will know… until later on.
Instead of getting a paper and a pen, you get the video camera, along with a chair. You’re standing on the chair. You decided to go with the rope… you’re gone instantly and there will be no noise. One side of the rope is tied to the top of your fan, while the other is already around your neck. You’re in tears, you know it’s for real this time. You can feel it.
You turn on the video camera and you just stare at the red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words. “Mom and dad, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m sorry but I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself and I seem to not be able to find my way back. Please don’t blame yourself, please. I love you both, please tell my siblings the same. Stay strong, and stay save. I’ll see you all soon.” You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won’t be there for him anymore, especially when he needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you could think of… even yourself.
You’re sorry for not being strong anymore.
You’re sorry for breaking down.
You’re sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life.
You stare, once again, at that red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair now as you begin to mouth the word goodbye. You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your right hand. Your pointer finger on the off button already. You clicked that button and as soon as you see that light go off, you go off.
Both feet are now off the chair… that chair is on the floor… the room is filled with silence. You’re dead. You’re gone. There is no going back. Everything is over. You don’t have to live in pain anymore… but everyone else will.
What are your parents gonna think? What about your little brother, or little sister? What are they gonna do? You’re dead. You’re gone. There is no going back.
You ended your life because the person liked only thought of you as a friend? You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class because she knew you’re the only one that is going somewhere in life!
Your parents are home now. They call your name telling you their home, just like they normally do whenever they get home…. but something’s different. You don’t answer. They don’t hear your voice. They get worried… you always answer. They come upstairs thinking your sleeping or showering. Your mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Your little sister hears her and comes up after her. She screams DADDY HELP!! She runs over to you hitting your leg begging you to wake up. WAKE UP, WAKE UP. PLEASE STOP WAKE UP!! But you don’t answer, you’re not waking up. You’re dead. You’re gone. There is no going back. There’s no going back. Your dad comes running upstairs and all he could do is stare. He watches his baby girl swing back and forth on a rope. He sees the video camera and he sees the chair. But he doesn’t move. He’s stiff as a board. He cries…. Your dad NEVER cries. He picks up the phone and calls 911. He can barely get the words my daughter committed suicide out of his mouth. He’s in tears. Your little sister stares at your dad. Your dad hangs up and she jumps right into your daddy’s arms, crying harder than ever. She’s too young to understand completely, but she knows you’re gone. She knows you’re dead and she knows that you’re coming back.
Everything is over. The cops finally arrive. They take your mom out of the room, they push your dad and sister out of your room and now they’re sitting in the living room. They take your body down off those ropes and lay you on the stretcher. They cover your body and out you go. Just like that, in the blink of an eye everything happened and everything was over. You’re dead. You’re gone. There is no going back. Nothing is the same.
Two weeks have passed and your mom still stares out the window more than half of the day, sometimes even the whole day. Your little sister still hasn’t returned to school. Your dad was forced to go to work so he can pay all the bills for your wake and funeral. Eventually, they found to strength to go into your room. Your door hasn’t been open for two months. The rope is still laying on the floor the same place the cops put it and the video camera is still sitting on the table. They don’t even dare to watch the video, it will never be seen. They slowly pick up the ropes and throw it in the garbage. Chills run up their spine, your mom basically in tears. They brush off your bed, making it neat… like they used to do every morning after you went to school. Your desk was empty. It didn’t have those little sticky notes you used to leave before you ran to the bus saying, have a good day mom, remember to smile or have fun at work dad, smiley face. You pretended to be so happy, you even tricked yourself. Your bed was made and your room was clean. They shut the door, and it remained shut.
Your school is still in distress. You thought no one cared and you thought no one noticed you. Remember that girl that said no to being your lab partner, yeah she cuts every single night now because she thinks it’s her fault you died. Remember that boy that tripped you by accident, looked at you and just didn’t say sorry, yeah he’s in suicidal therapy 5 days a week in a hospital because he feels a smile could of saved your life and he didn’t give that to you. Do you remember that teacher that was hard on you that day, she quit her job because she felt she wasn’t suited to teach anymore. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back.
Four years have passed now, your little sister is now 15 years old. She started a club, it’s in her school dedicated to you. Secrets is what she calls it. The club is formed for kids to speak their hearts, without anyone judging them. They can say anything they want to, and talk about anything they needed to. If they were suicidal, they always had someone. That was your problem. You didn’t want to talk to anyone. You had everything bottled inside of you. You acted as if you were the happiest kid on the planet and you had the perfect life. You played that happy character so well that even you started to believe it. You would be so happy all day and as soon as you layed in bed at night, the thoughts came back. A little fight between you and your parents could have set you off. But with everything inside of you bottled up for years, you just hit your limits. You’re gone. You’re dead. There’s no going back.
Your room will never be occupied. Your mom still cries every single night. Your dad isn’t as strong as he used to be. Your little sister will never grow up with you by her side, moving her in the right direction, she needed you. Your best friend is still torn up, he needed you. Your parents don’t know what to do anymore, they needed you. Your school now has a club dedicated to you, so teens will not make the same mistake as you did.
Your life was precious and you took it away in the blink of an eye. All you needed was a smile, that’s all you needed to show you that everything will be okay. But since you’re gone, just know people cared. People always have cared and people always will care. You were just way too upset to see that back then. You were just too caught up in the fact that you thought no one cared… when the truth was, more people cared about you that you ever thought they would. And you know what sucks? It sucks that you see that now that you’re gone, and you didn’t see that when you were still here. Your town will never be the same.
A girl is gone, a special girl, a girl who thought no one cared. Everyone cared. I promise you. They care, they always have cared and they always will care. We loved you, and no matter what, we will still always love you.
Reblog this if you are against suicide.
I. Want. This.